the fourth of december

As a writer, I often base my stories on the people I know. But especially the people I loved. I create characters that represent them, and I hold the power to rewrite our stories the way I want them to go. I try to find ways to write happy endings to bittersweet tales. However, when I look back at the true story, it isn’t as tragic as I believed. 

Growing up, I always loved fiercely. To me, being loved by Lexiss was and is something special. But I never felt loved the way that I loved others. Someone or something always came first, and I would do anything to be in the spotlight, just to be looked at for a moment. There is a quote I read once that stated, “When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives.” I thought to be loved was to be touched. I realized that to be loved is to be known. 

When I fell in love, I fell endlessly. His laugh sounded like all the memories I had forgotten, and if you were to ask me why, I’d tell you that he felt like home. He saw me in ways I would never reveal to others, and I felt brave enough to show him what hides behind forced smiles. I don’t know how to be loved. But, the truth is, being loved by him was one of the only things that made sense in my chaotic life. My heart would whisper his name through heavy breaths, and even when she wasn’t in love with him anymore, she remembered him like she was grieving somebody who died. 

And she was. But my heart wasn’t just grieving the version of him that I loved. She was grieving me, too. She was grieving the future she built in her head that would never come true.

I would search for pieces of him in every person I met. But, amid a rainy September night, I found less of him in himself than I did in the people I tried to replace him with. I didn’t want to believe that innocent love could be tainted by the eyes of a boy who grew into a young man. I didn’t want to believe that one day, the love of my adolescent life could ever be written as the villain in my story. When situations don’t go my way, I run. It’s all I’ve ever known how to do. So, that’s what I did. I ran like my life depended on it. But, like my mother, I found myself running back to the arms that would catch me. 

We spoke for hours, and although we only looked into each other’s eyes, it felt deeper than any kiss we could’ve but never shared. Somewhere between teasing remarks and melancholic smiles, I realized that those kids inside us still existed, hidden in the deepest corners of the shells that were our bodies. The future I painted was a fleeting moment and would be over in hours. It was enough to answer most of the questions that lingered for years. All but one: Why not sooner? 

Maybe, in another universe, he knew how to love me rather than just saying he did. In another universe, I learned to stay instead of running as far as my aching legs could take me. 

There is no other universe, though. There is only this one. And with every day, I learn more and more about staying right where I’m at. To be loved, you must be present. Although some days it’s scary, I’ve learned that I am worthy of that love that I dream about because it exists inside me.

In some ways, I think love is meant to be an adventure. And no adventure is journeyed without some hardships. Love is the silent conversations and longing gazes across the room. The gentle shoulder brushes and memories that only you two could recall. The crumbled-up notes and secret love letters tucked in boxes inside your closet. The passionate fights and the quiet reunion. That extra squeeze you give at the end of the hug and the desire to hold on for as long as possible. Calls at midnight and late-night drives around your hometown. It’s the person you call your best friend and the one you want even on their ugliest days. The love I’ve watched in movies and read about in books is real. And it’s real because Lexiss in love will always be special. That kind of love doesn’t just deserve a page—It deserves the whole damn book. 

Wherever we end up, I hope my stories still make it to the places I didn’t. 


Love Always,