The lovers lay warm and naked under covers that kept the chill of February from invading their dreamless sleep. The darkness, aided by low room temperatures, watched over the two as the sun began to peak over the horizon and say good morning.

The word “guilt” may have leaped into a conversation commenting on the situation the two were in, but it only hid behind the dark caverns of the mind, keeping a low profile.

When the sun finally did shine through the bare window, a wave of anxiety poured in and covered the woman who woke from her sleep and stretched. She was careful not to wake the man next to her as she stood up and put on her clothes.

By noon she was dressed, had driven to her apartment to get a bite to eat, and was on her way to see another man.

Arctic temperatures were not ideal to walk a long distance, she thought to herself as her feet pounded the sidewalk, her destination a man’s house. This wasn’t the same man she spent the entire evening with, but the one she should have been with.

Cars buzzed by but she didn’t look up, nor did she think of what she was going to say when she arrived at her destination.

“Michelle,” she said. “What have we done.”

The words hung in the air like the breath from her nose, but the answer stayed inside her.

The winter-white, marshmallow cap, scarf, and bulky coat completely hid Michelle from the cold. Underneath everything was a young woman considered by many to be beautiful, but she always took those compliments in stride. Six inches of her long, straight hair swayed slightly in time with her walk. Her mind turned, asking questions she couldn’t answer and didn’t care to answer even though she knew one day she would have to. She hoped this was not the day.

I wonder if he’ll understand.

The dead trees held onto whipped cream snow piles from the previous blizzard. When she looked at them her thoughts gathered slowly, coming together like an army preparing for battle. She needed all the ammunition she could muster just to get through this talk she was going to have.

Michelle walked slowly. The hope in her body was dissipating like the warmth of summer does when fall strolls in the room.

There are so many things I don’t understand about this, she thought. The one thing I know is nothing lasts forever because the changes I feel have to be real. Deny that and I deny myself. Maybe it’s a rationalization, but what’s important is me. Ultimately I need to fulfill myself.

Why does it have to be so confusing? Why does someone have to always… God, I don’t know. Hurting others is not what I do. I hope, I love, I cry and I laugh. I have loyalty. I’m not a whore or a slut or a bitch. I’m just Michelle from a small town. An ordinary woman with ordinary feelings.

Last night was the first time Michelle did anything that even remotely resembled cheating, and she knew he would hate her for it. He’ll know what to say to hurt me, she thought. I shouldn’t even see him because I know what he’s going to do. But I owe it to him.

But do I really owe him? We’ve been lovers for over two years now, boyfriend, girlfriend and the words “I love you” exchanged nearly every day, sometimes two or three times. I didn’t lie at the time, and I know he means it.

Do I owe him my life? Not my life, that’s mine. He didn’t have anything to do with it. He’s been a friend. But he’s been so naive about some things. I just can’t let him control my thoughts anymore.

What’s the point of going on after this anyway? I’ll never be able to forget it and he won’t let me forget it. He’d never trust me, but I can’t blame him. But it’s my life! I’ve got to do what I feel is right.

A car slid into a stop sign interrupting her thoughts. The cold enveloped her and the wind seemed unrelenting.

Her destination was still a few blocks away but every step added a little to the dread she felt. What would she say?

I don’t want to remember how it all began because that makes it more difficult.

But the memories lived inside her.

Scott was a miracle at that time in her life. Never had a man been so caring and wonderful. But things needed to be said. She tried to weave the phrases together as each step brought her closer and closer to the heat of the house and the cold of the meeting.

The crazy fool bought me a rose, she smiled slightly. What a romantic thing to do. He’d never seen me before. So, it began and it was good,

What the hell happened? I don’t know how I could do this, but that can’t matter anymore. The time has finally come for me to say the words I need to say. Not just to him, but to myself. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I’ve grown and he’s been there. Now that I’ve grown I don’t need him to guide me. Why he needed to be there in the first place is probably my fault, but I can’t tell him that. I know he’s going to hate me for this.

I’ve been so close to him that it scares me into submission to the point of frustration. This is what I know: I do not need a man to be a woman.

Sidewalk snow art passed under her feet and she occasionally glimpsed snow sculptures in various yards she trudged by. The snow image in her head was that of independence.

The house was close now. It’s heat and cleanliness, which surprised her because she knew Scott for a long time and neatness was not part of his past, and its memories were an ogre waiting to silently engulf her.

Scott was too predictable, but she knew what she had to say, what she needed to express. If she couldn’t, she knew he would go nuts.

“God, what the hell am I going to do?”

She shuddered and felt a kind of comfortable fear. Healthy, she thought.

I’ve got a few minutes before I need to think of the exact words to say, but I can’t think of anything. Why should words be so difficult to find now? I wish this had never happened. I wish I was somewhere where I didn’t have to see anyone or be anywhere.

She stood outside the door in the bitter cold for a full ten minutes before finding the nerve to knock. She should just walk in, but that thought hung in the sky. She needed more time. Time to believe what she was saying, time to get the words right, and time to realize she would never see this man again. That hurt the most.

I wonder if he can forgive me. Someday, I’m sure.

She tried to open the door but balked and decided to wait another minute.

I’ve got to tell him everything and wait for his reaction. Maybe talk to him for a while, get one real conversation before….

I’ve got to know if this is my decision. It must be. And I will tell Scott.

She opened the door after tapping it softly. The room was ludicrously warm with the scent of old smoke. The walls held cheap posters and a clock. She knew the room quite well.

“I’m in here,” a voice called.

“Where are you?” she asked.

“I’m in here.”

“I can’t tell what’s happening. Where are you? Tell me which room this time.”

“Just move down the hallway,” the voice said.

She had never heard his voice carry that edge before.

“I’m coming.”

Her gut tightened and she felt like finding a bathroom. When she saw him she nearly turned away involuntarily. She hoped he didn’t catch that.

“I want you to look at me,” he said. “I want you to tell me everything you know.”

She looked at him and her eyes lied to him, and she knew he knew, but no words would flow. Nothing.

“I’ve been up all night wondering what’s going to happen,” he said. “I’ve been up all night dreaming a waking dream. In the dream you tell me you’re coming to see me to say something. I can see it in your eyes and I want you to know I can understand. I can feel the tension in your mind because I’ve seen everything with my eyes.”

Michelle didn’t know what he was talking about.

“I’ve been up all night experiencing this drug and I’ve seen everything I need to see. The drug is not something you snort, smoke or drink. It’s not illegal. It’s something you feel deep in your soul. Does it matter much in the eyes I’m seeing? So do tell me what’s on your mind. Tell me everything.”

His eyes bore into her, shaking her to the foundation and she became hardened like the glass in the mirror where she thought it would never lose its softness. She knew what he wanted, but she could not say it.

“I’ve been up all night with a pen and a notebook,” he said quietly. “The words I’ve written are directed to you with venom, with fury, with deep-seated love and maybe a touch of ownership, though I know I don’t own you.”

Silence.

“But you own me,” he finished.

The time was now, she thought. The words would not come.

“I’ve been up all night with words you wrote, most directed toward me,” he said.

A shock wave of fear spread through her body.

“Please take off your coat,” he said. “Relax. Take it easy. Make yourself comfortable because I’m happy you came over. I’ve been up all night, sleep just a fantasy, and in my mind the entire night I saw you and remembered you for the love and joy I’ve experienced because of you. Then I began the waking dream where I saw you. What I saw made me think about everything we experienced and all the love we shared.”

“What are you talking about?” she finally asked.

“Bear with me,” he said stabbing her eyes with his glare. “I’ve been up all night and I’ve discovered what I’ve missed all these months.”

She seriously thought he was on drugs. But he looked tired and worn out. His voice was a low monotone.

“When are you going to marry me?” Scott asked.

“I’ve got to finish college first before I get married.”

“I want to know when you’re going to marry me?”

“I said I’ve got to finish college first.”

“I heard what you said,” his voice was calm and low. “I want to know when you’re going to marry me.”

“Not now,” she said loudly.

“Touchy today?” he asked not mocking her. “I only want to know because I’ve been up all night.”

“Would you please stop saying you’ve been up all night,” she said. “I know you’ve been up all night. You’ve told me ten times.”

“It’s only to make an impression.”

I don’t know what to say to him.

She looked into his eyes to see if she could detect anything. She’d never seen his eyes look like that.

The warmth of the house gave way to a chill and she became very tired. This is not how it should be. All I need is one more minute.

“You should come to bed with me,” he said.

“I’m not in the mood,” Michelle said with no emotion.

“Since when?”

“Since now.”

“I can only tell you what I know,” he said getting up and walking around the room. “I’ve eaten these thoughts, digested them, and came up with only waste. This can’t be the way it’s supposed to be in any way, shape, or form. I can only believe what you say because you’re my friend. Believe this even now, I am in love with you, though for some reason it doesn’t seem important to you.”

Scott took a deep breath.

“A long time ago,” he continued. “When we first fell into this thing called love, we used to believe we were invincible, and trust, loyalty and devotion were alive. It’s changed now. We both need more fulfilling ambitions. We can’t eat food with love paying the bills, you know. What do you want to say to me?”

The silence she felt only moved her further away.

“You know what I’ve been doing all night?” he asked.

“You’ve been up all night thinking,” she replied.

“Can you believe I’ve been thinking of you?”

“It doesn’t surprise me.”

“This is the only thing I can say. My mind tells me the pain that comes from life is what we all need to build up strength. You have been my strength and my pain.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said hoping he didn’t catch the desperation in her voice.

“Tell me everything,” Scott said.

“About what?”

“About everything. I’ve seen everything and want you to explain what it’s all about.”

“What have you seen?” she asked louder than intended.

“I’ve seen everything,” he said. “I did not sit idle last night. You were supposed to come over and see me. When you didn’t show up or call I got worried and made my way to your apartment.

“Oh no.”

“So, tell me what’s happening.”

“Absolutely nothing is happening,” Michelle looked at him. “Absolutely nothing has happened or will happen.”

“Explain this to me,” he handed a note to Michelle with her handwriting.

“I don’t know what it is,” she said, tears coming down. “I’m going to go now.”

“If you go now you’ll kill me.”

“Don’t ever say anything like that to me!”

“You’ve got to tell what’s happening or it will kill me.”

“What’s happening is you and I have to be friends now and we can’t help what’s going on because the world is never kind or good.”

“That’s the most worthless statement I’ve heard coming from you.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“You need to tell what this is all about.”

And her eyes filled with tears and the words she sought would not jar loose. She trembled with anger and felt something she’d never felt for Scott. An extreme dislike fell over her.

“What’s this note about?” he nearly screamed.

“I’ve never seen it before,” she said.

“I’ll tell you what it says.”

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

“Why? You don’t want to hear it? Can’t you see or understand what’s been happening to me? The reason I’ve been up all-night walking in the cold, watching my dreams fall away, frozen on the waste of what you left behind for dead and crawled, my hands bleeding, my legs scraped, and my eyes so dim from the waterfall I don’t know what to believe in anymore. What you’ve done is something so hard for me to understand because I thought you loved me. Was it all lies?  It’s been happening a long time and you deserve nothing.”

“What the fuck?” the word surprised her.

“Can’t you even tell me? Can’t you own up to what’s going on and let me hear your voice say the words? If you don’t, I’ll tell you.”

“Don’t say anything.”

“I have to because you won’t,” he threw the letter at her, his eyes filled with tears, body trembling.

“Don’t.”

“You’ve got to say something. If you don’t…”

“What do you want me to say?” she said, eyes cast down.

“I only want the truth,” he said, choking back a sob.

“That you’ll never find. I’ve got to go now.”

“You can’t leave me like this. It’s not right leaving me here with nothing.”

“I’ve got to go now.”

It was difficult putting on her coat because of the tears in her eyes and with him watching, a man full of pain.

“Forgive me,” she said to herself.

Her exit wasn’t dramatic and she tried to compose herself before braving the February weather.

Tomorrow would be here and she could gather her thoughts and tell him what she needed to say and what he needed to hear. Right now, there was the long walk home.

A half-smile spread slowly on her face as the tears dried up and her thoughts became silent. The one time she looked back she saw Scott standing at the door in the bitter cold. It was all for the best. She hated to hurt him but the damage was done and there was nothing she could do except accept the consequences.

She walked slowly to her home, empty of thoughts, and decided to follow her gut reaction that things would be fine as long as she kept to her ideals. She wasn’t even sure about those anymore.

The sight of Scott only made her believe in something more intensely. She looked at herself with a new set of eyes and the smile became more genuine. Things will be okay.

As she turned onto the sidewalk that led to her home she left behind the memory of a man she could not love anymore.